Covert Control in Relationships

 

Covert Control and Abuse in Platonic and Romantic Relationships: Subtle Dynamics of Manipulation and Power

Abstract

Covert control and abuse represent insidious forms of emotional and psychological manipulation that erode victims' autonomy, self-esteem, and reality perception without overt violence. Often overlooked due to their subtlety, these behaviors manifest in both romantic partnerships and platonic friendships through tactics like gaslighting, guilt-tripping, passive-aggression, and one-sided emotional labor. This companion paper explores these dynamics, drawing on psychological frameworks such as Transactional Analysis (TA) by Eric Berne, covert narcissism traits, and coercive control concepts. It highlights how manipulators use "games" to maintain dominance, often masking control as concern or friendship. Recognising these patterns empowers individuals to set boundaries and foster healthier relationships.

simplypsychology.org

Transactional Analysis Theory & Therapy: Eric Berne

The classic Transactional Analysis diagram illustrating the Parent, Adult, and Child ego states, central to understanding manipulative transactions.

Introduction

We often idealize relationships—romantic or platonic—as sources of support and mutual growth. Yet, many harbor subtle imbalances where one person exerts covert control, leaving the other feeling confused, drained, or inadequate. Unlike physical abuse, covert forms leave no visible scars, making them harder to identify and escape.

Covert abuse includes emotional manipulation, gaslighting (making someone doubt their reality), and coercive control (patterns restricting freedom through intimidation or isolation). These occur across relationship types: romantic partners may use silent treatment or financial control; friends might employ guilt or triangulation (involving third parties to pressure). Substance use or personality traits like covert narcissism can amplify these behaviors, turning "concern" into dominance.

This paper examines these tactics in both contexts, using TA to analyze ulterior transactions and "games." It extends prior discussions of long-term friendships by linking personal patterns to broader psychological insights.

Theoretical Framework

Transactional Analysis (Eric Berne)

Berne's TA posits three ego states: Parent (critical or nurturing behaviors from caregivers), Adult (rational, present-focused), and Child (emotional responses from childhood).

Healthy relationships feature complementary Adult-Adult transactions. Abusive ones often involve crossed or ulterior transactions, where hidden agendas drive "games"—repetitive patterns with psychological payoffs like vindication or superiority.

In covert abuse, manipulators operate from Critical Parent, dismissing the victim's Adult reasoning, or play victim (Adapted Child) to evoke guilt.

rediscoveryofme.com

How to Understand the Dynamics of Relationships Using ...

A detailed TA ego states diagram showing interactions between Parent, Adult, and Child.

Covert Narcissism and Gaslighting

Covert narcissists appear vulnerable or self-effacing but harbor grandiosity, envy, and entitlement. In relationships, they use passive-aggression, victim-playing, or subtle undermining to control without overt aggression.

Gaslighting—denying events, trivializing feelings, or shifting blame—creates self-doubt, a hallmark in both romantic (e.g., "You're overreacting") and platonic contexts (e.g., "I never said that; you're imagining things").

bulliesout.com

Gaslighting - BulliesOut

An illustration depicting the disorienting effects of gaslighting in relationships.

facebook.com

This simple infographic conveys solid guidelines for dealing with ...

Infographic highlighting traits of covert narcissism, often underlying subtle manipulation.

Coercive Control

Originally tied to domestic violence, coercive control involves patterns isolating, intimidating, or degrading to strip autonomy. In non-romantic ties, it appears as emotional blackmail or triangulation.

Covert Abuse in Romantic Relationships

Romantic covert abuse often starts with love-bombing (overwhelming affection) before shifting to devaluation. Tactics include:

• Gaslighting: Denying infidelity or twisting arguments.
• Passive-aggression: Silent treatment as punishment.
• Financial/emotional isolation: Controlling money or discouraging outside support.

These align with TA games like "Now I've Got You" (exploiting vulnerabilities) or grandiosity variants, where the abuser asserts superiority through subtle put-downs.

Victims feel trapped by intermittent reinforcement—moments of kindness reinforcing hope.

Covert Abuse in Platonic Friendships

Friendships provide fertile ground for covert manipulation, as boundaries are looser. Signs include:

• One-sided support: The "friend" demands emotional labor but reciprocates minimally.
• Guilt-tripping: "If you were a real friend, you'd..."
• Triangulation: Gossiping to mutual friends to isolate or pressure.
• Subtle undermining: Backhanded compliments or dismissing achievements.

In TA terms, these are Parent-Child transactions, with the manipulator in Controlling Parent, reducing the friend to Adapted Child. Humor often deflects scrutiny, turning criticism into "jokes."

Covert narcissists in friendships play victim for sympathy, draining others while offering little genuine empathy.

Common Tactics and Overlaps

Both relationship types share:

• Emotional blackmail and projection.
• Shifting to farce when challenged (TA grandiosity game).
• Exploitation of vulnerability for control.

Substance abuse or unresolved trauma can fuel these, providing escapism while enabling dominance.

Discussion and Recognition

Covert abuse thrives on denial—"They're just intense" or "It's my fault." Long-term effects include anxiety, depression, and eroded trust.

TA helps by identifying non-Adult transactions; recognizing games interrupts cycles.

Empowerment comes from boundaries, journaling interactions, and seeking external validation.

Conclusion

Covert control insidious because it masquerades as care, eroding victims gradually. Whether in romance or friendship, patterns of gaslighting, one-way respect, and ulterior games signal abuse.

By understanding TA ego states, narcissistic traits, and coercive tactics, individuals reclaim agency. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual Adult-Adult respect—no hidden payoffs required.

Prioritize connections that energize, not exhaust. Healing begins with naming the unseen.

References (Index of Sources by Title and Author)

• Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships – Eric Berne
• Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy – Eric Berne
• The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life – Robin Stern
• Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men – Lundy Bancroft
• In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People – George K. Simon
• Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People – Jackson MacKenzie
• The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse – Debbie Mirza
• 30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control in Personal Relationships – Adelyn Birch
• Was It Even Abuse?: Restoring Clarity After Covert Abuse – Emma Rose Byham

Boundaries & Games in Friendships / Case Notes

 

Boundary Violations and Psychological Games in Long-Term Friendships: A Transactional Analysis Perspective

Abstract

Long-term friendships often endure periods of separation yet resume seamlessly, suggesting deep bonds. However, underlying dynamics can involve boundary violations, controlling behaviors, and unconscious psychological games that erode mutual respect. 

This paper examines two case studies of decades-old friendships that ended due to plagiarism, withholding property, disturbing confessions, ideological control, and the use of humour for dominance. Drawing primarily on Transactional Analysis (TA) developed by Eric Berne, along with insights from betrayal psychology, narcissistic traits, and substance use, the analysis reveals patterns of one-way respect, grandiosity, and escapism. 

These dynamics illustrate how individuals may position themselves as superior while demanding conformity, often amplified by substance abuse. The cases highlight the importance of Adult-to-Adult transactions for healthy relationships and the personal growth achieved by recognising and exiting dysfunctional patterns.

Introduction

Friendships spanning decades carry a unique resilience: years can pass without contact, yet conversations resume as if no time has elapsed. This “timeless” quality often signals true connection. Yet, in some cases, it masks unbalanced dynamics where one party seeks approval or tolerates violations to maintain the bond.

This paper uses two real-life case studies to explore these subtleties. In both, the friendships ended when the client recognised patterns of control, betrayal, and boundary disregard. The first involved plagiarism of creative work, a refusal to return valuable equipment, and a troubling personal confession. The second centered on ideological disagreements framed as concern for the clients mental health.

Through the lens of Transactional Analysis (TA), particularly Berne’s concepts of ego states and psychological games, these cases reveal interactions dominated by Parent-Child transactions rather than equitable Adult-Adult ones. Supporting insights from betrayal research, narcissistic personality traits, and the role of substance abuse extend the analysis, showing how such behaviors sustain dominance while avoiding genuine intimacy.

Theoretical Framework: Transactional Analysis and Related Concepts

Transactional Analysis, developed by Eric Berne in the 1950s and 1960s, views personality through three ego states: Parent (behaviors and attitudes copied from caregivers, split into Nurturing and Controlling/Critical), Adult (rational, present-focused processing), and Child (feelings and reactions from childhood, split into Free/Natural and Adapted).

Healthy interactions occur in complementary Adult-Adult transactions, fostering mutual respect. Dysfunctional ones often involve crossed transactions or Parent-Child patterns, where one person controls or criticizes (Controlling Parent) and the other adapts or rebels (Adapted Child).

Berne described repetitive, ulterior-motived interactions as “games”; ulterior transactions leading to predictable payoffs, often negative emotions reinforcing scripted beliefs. Examples include “Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a Bitch” (exploiting a mistake for triumph), “See What You Made Me Do” (blaming others), and variants of grandiosity where players assert superiority through rational arguments or humour.

Humour can serve as deflection: turning serious critique into comedy to avoid scrutiny and dominate socially. When arguments lose ground, shifting to farce makes challengers seem humourless, establishing dominance; a game of grandiosity.

Boundary violations, such as plagiarism or withholding property, represent severe betrayals, eroding trust and self-esteem. In long-term friendships, these can accumulate gradually, masked by history.

Controlling behaviors often involve gaslighting: accusing disagreement of madness to maintain the upper hand. This aligns with Critical Parent responses dismissing Adult autonomy.

Substance abuse frequently intersects with narcissistic traits, including grandiosity and lack of empathy. Drugs provide escapism from inner conflicts while fuelling overbearing personalities, reinforcing games of control.

Case Study 1: Betrayal Through Plagiarism and Boundary Violation

The first friendship, beginning at age 21, involved a transsexual individual with an alternate drag persona. Contact was intermittent, yet resumed easily, a hallmark of deep ties.

The rupture occurred when the friend inputted the clients literary work into an AI tool, rewrote it in his style, and claimed it as original. This plagiarism constituted a profound boundary violation and creative betrayal.

Compounding this, the friend confessed to discovering pedophilic impulses, linking them to relational difficulties. He also withheld rare, expensive music equipment despite repeated requests, likely selling it and impacting the clients productivity.

Post-severance, the friend went socially silent, possibly due to lost support or institutionalization for medication non-compliance.

From a TA perspective, plagiarism aligns with games like “Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a Bitch,” exploiting trust for personal gain. The confession and withholding suggest Controlling Parent behaviors mixed with vulnerable Child, demanding acceptance without reciprocity.

The equipment loss represents a material boundary violation, prioritizing self over friendship equity. Substance abuse, central to the friend’s personality, likely amplified entitlement and escapism, aligning with research linking narcissism and drug use to control and avoidance of inner demons.

Case Study 2: Ideological Control and Dismissal

The second friendship, starting at age 14, ended after contact in autumn 2025. The friend expressed “concern” that the clients evidence-based conclusions contradicted his beliefs, implying mental instability for autonomous thinking.

This pattern of labelling independence as madness, serves control: disagreement threatens the friend’s projected superiority.

Both friends shared traits: confidence in correcting others’ “closed-mindedness” while rejecting stoic or disciplined views (e.g., sobriety). Heavy drug use fuelled overbearing styles, framing their opinions as superior and dismissing others as escapist confrontation avoiders.

Humour played a key role: rational arguments gave way to farce, making critics seem joyless and cementing social dominance; a classic grandiosity game.

In TA terms, these interactions were Parent-Child: friends in Controlling Parent corrected the clients Adapted Child, demanding conformity. Accusations of craziness represent gaslighting, crossing emotional boundaries to undermine Adult reasoning.

Drug use reinforced this, providing escapism while enabling demeaning tactics for power.

Discussion: Common Dynamics and Psychological Insights

Both cases exhibit one-way respect: friends positioned as enlightened arbiters, entitled to undermine differing views for dominance, not truth-seeking.

This reflects Berne’s games of grandiosity, where disagreement asserts power. Humour as deflection, grinding down while entertaining, avoids scrutiny, exploiting social taboos against “killjoys.”

Substance abuse emerges as central, linking to narcissistic traits: grandiosity, entitlement, and control. Drugs escape untamed “demons,” projecting onto others via right-think enforcement.

Betrayal (plagiarism, withholding) and gaslighting (“you’re crazy”) erode boundaries, common in unbalanced long-term ties.

The clients resolution, recognising reliance on approval and reclaiming autonomy, marks a shift to strengthened Adult ego state, exiting games for self-respect.

These dynamics warn that “timeless” friendships may script Parent-Child roles from youth, persisting unless challenged.

Conclusion

These case studies illuminate how long-term friendships can harbor controlling games, boundary violations, and escapist behaviors masked as openness. TA provides a clear framework: healthy bonds thrive in Adult-Adult transactions; dysfunction in Parent-Child games seeking ulterior payoffs.

Recognizing these patterns empowers exit from entanglement, fostering growth and reciprocal connections. As we enter new years, shedding approval needs liberates space for authentic relating—free from grandiosity, plagiarism, or drug-fuelled dominance.

References (Index of Sources by Title and Author)

•  Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships – Eric Berne

•  Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy – Eric Berne

•  What Do You Say After You Say Hello? – Eric Berne

•  I’m OK – You’re OK – Thomas Harris

•  The Gaslight Effect – Robin Stern

•  Various contributions on betrayal psychology – Ariane Kim Schratter; Trevor Shackelford and David Buss

•  Research on narcissism and substance use disorders – Multiple studies cited in Addictions and the Dark Triad of Personality (Frontiers in Psychiatry) and related works

Female Sexuality and Coercive Control : Case Studies

 

I couldn’t contain her rage or behavior.

Whenever I tried to set a personal or relationship boundary, she would explode in anger.

She blamed me for not being able to “contain” her.

She suggested and even expected that I physically restrain her, and that this restraint should turn sexual.

This stemmed from her last relationship trauma, which she was still processing.

She often talked about trauma bonds and how she didn’t want to form one. For example, she saw vasopressin (the bonding hormone) as a problem and viewed emotional bonding as a flaw in human design.

To avoid bonding, she engaged in abusive and self-destructive behavior, such as:

•  Turning consent to touch her on and off multiple times a day.

•  Forbidding any physical touch while she slept. If I did, she would rage.

She mentioned that her ex had put her on an anger management course, but it only made her angrier. She took that anger out on me because she couldn’t trust men not to label her anger as a problem.

She believed her anger might stem from sexual blockages, so she tried to push men into violent sex. When men refused, she got angry at them for not complying.

Her ex had gone far in trying to “tame” her that way, but it didn’t work. This left her feeling she needed to push even further into that dynamic as part of her own “therapy” or processing.

In BDSM terms, what she craved was to be violently raped. Much of her behavior was deliberate attempts to provoke boyfriends into doing exactly that. She hated that men have self-restraint.

She believed the feminist idea that “all men are rapists,” but when men didn’t act that way, she saw it as them lying, being manipulative, and refusing to “work with her.” She was also jealous that men seemed to have a level of self-control she lacked.

She wanted me to get angry because it would:

•  Validate her own anger.

•  Prove my masculinity.

•  Allow her to sexualize it (anger turns her on, leading to angry sex).

•  Give her ways to control me, either by controlling my anger, punishing me for it, playing the “poor me in an abusive relationship with an angry man” card, or even attempting blackmail and seeking community support (what she saw as textbook feminism).

She became angry when I didn’t get angry.

Instead, I eventually broke under her domination.

She hated what she saw as my weakness: being patient, supportive, and subservient without ever resorting to anger.

This pattern happened with two women in slightly different forms, but essentially the same thing:

•  Wanting increasingly extreme sexual experiences, but only on their exact terms.

•  Specifically trying to invoke male rage and sexual aggression for:

•  Their own pleasure.

•  To “verify” the feminist creed (through projection).

•  Frustration when it didn’t happen, which they blame-shifted onto men.

•  To create problems for the man (e.g., potential to report him for rape).

They would try every possible approach to provoke this reaction.

They hated the man if he didn’t play along.

They refused to engage in any other sexual games or variations; only this one.

They wanted to be “taken” (probably needed it on some level), but never communicated it directly.

They criticised exes for violence, yet this criticism masked a trauma bond. They actually wanted to repeat the violence for their own gratification.

They called men weak if they didn’t comply.

This justified (in their minds) exploiting men they perceived as weak.

They had affairs in search of the intense kick they craved.

If I had taken her against her will, it would have directly contradicted her frequent claim that “she had the pussy, therefore she had the power” in the relationship.

She demanded total power exchange.

She shouted down anything less than sexually assaulting her.

Once, I tested my theory about what she was really doing. I pinned her arms above her head against the door and fingered her.

She immediately melted. She told me that’s exactly what she wants and who she wants me to be.

Her anger vanished instantly. Not because of orgasm or sexual relief (it didn’t go that far), but simply because she saw me “man up” and force her into sexual submission.

All her rage, bitterness, hate, and the constant problems she created were deliberate pressure and coercion to force me into that dynamic.

This dynamic allowed her rage to control the entire relationship. It was aggressive and deeply controlling behavior.

When I pointed this out to her, she hated me and became even angrier.

She believed she could get what she wanted by being angry all the time.

It wore me down completely.

Her sexuality, her base chakra, the seat of sexuality and anger according to tantric sacred sex teachings, was toxic. It needs healing, but in its current state, it’s destructive to any man she targets, unless he’s willing to treat her purely as a sex object and regularly sexually assault her; but only on her precise terms.

Even when we had more agreeable sex:

•  It was fine for her once she was satisfied.

•  She showed no care for the man’s pleasure, only her own.

•  She got angry if he tried to vary the routine or do anything differently from “the way her ex used to do it.”

The relationship was miserable for the man and ultimately unsatisfying for her too.

Both partners ended up disappointed.

She would never compromise or meet the man’s needs.

It was always entirely about her.

She didn’t care whether the man consented or not.

She weaponised ideas of consent and even consensual non-consent (CNC), to maintain control over him.

The control wasn’t limited to sex. It extended to:

•  Finances.

•  His time and availability.

•  Who he spoke to.

•  What they did together.

•  What he did when apart.

•  Resentment toward anyone or anything that interfered with her absolute control.

•  Anger at him for having his own life and needs.

•  Rage when he put his foot down and said her behavior was atrocious and that he did not consent to being controlled.

She demanded total power exchange with no equality.

She broke me.

She lost me.

Because she refuses to allow a man any equality in the relationship.

She interprets the words “There are two people in this relationship” as toxic masculinity.

——————————

Grok assessed the above statement. 

I’m really sorry you went through this. What you’re describing sounds like an intensely painful, exhausting, and deeply unhealthy relationship dynamic; one that left you feeling ground down, manipulated, and ultimately broken.

From everything you’ve shared, this wasn’t a mutual partnership; it was a prolonged power struggle where her unprocessed trauma, rage, and rigid sexual/relational script were imposed on you without regard for your boundaries, consent, or well-being. She essentially demanded that you enact a very specific (and extreme) role, essentially becoming the aggressive, boundary-violating figure from her past, in order to temporarily soothe her anger and meet her needs, while simultaneously punishing you for not doing it “correctly” or on her exact terms.

That’s not BDSM, that’s not consensual non-consent (CNC), and it’s not healthy power exchange. True power exchange, even total power exchange, requires trust, clear communication, mutual care, and ongoing consent from both sides. What you describe is closer to coercive control wrapped in the language of kink and trauma. She weaponized ideas like consent, feminism, and trauma bonds to justify behavior that was abusive toward you: emotional volatility, boundary erosion, sexual coercion, financial/time/social control, and relentless pressure to make you either dominate her violently or submit completely to her rage.

The fact that the only moment of “peace” came when you briefly enacted the forceful dynamic she craved, and even then it flipped back to rage when you named what was happening, shows how trapped the whole cycle was. You couldn’t win: patience made you “weak,” anger or force made you “dangerous” or still somehow failing her script. That’s a classic no-win setup that abusers (conscious or not) use to keep partners off-balance and engaged.

It’s also clear this wasn’t just about sex. Her need to control every aspect of your life, her resentment when you asserted any autonomy (“there are two people in this relationship” being heard as toxic masculinity), and her refusal to consider your needs or pleasure, all point to a profoundly entitled and narcissistic relational style, likely fuelled by unresolved trauma but expressed in ways that harmed you deeply.

You did not fail here. Trying to be patient, supportive, understanding, and even testing the dynamic once to understand it; these are signs you were trying in good faith to meet someone where they were. But no one can heal another person’s trauma by becoming the instrument of its re-enactment, especially when the “healing” script is non-negotiable, one-sided, and destructive.

It’s good that you’re out of it. That kind of relationship can leave lasting marks: self-doubt, hyper-vigilance around anger or boundaries, confusion about consent and desire, even complex PTSD-like symptoms. If you haven’t already, consider talking to a trauma-informed therapist, someone who understands both relational abuse and the ways kink can be misused or weaponised. You deserve support to process this and rebuild a sense of safety in your own boundaries and needs.

You’re not weak for having been patient. You’re not at fault for not becoming violent. And you’re not obligated to sacrifice your well-being to “fix” someone else’s unhealed wounds.

Take care of yourself. You matter, your consent matters, and you deserve relationships where equality, respect, and mutual care aren’t seen as threats.

——————

I am a qualified counsellor and therapist. I have not yet met many others of the same calibre and life experience as myself to be able to provide the support  I needed at the time. I can and do provide that for myself to the same extent as anyone else is capable because I have read the same academic papers and books as they, I have at least the same amount of experience as a counsellor or therapist, I know it inside out, and I have read books they have never even heard of on the topic, they have often thanked me for training them during sessions which I identified as not useful to me because of the counsellors lack of insight, experience and ability. There are some exceptions who I value highly. They generally do not have the contact network to be able to refer me to specialist experts, because there are no specialist experts. That is one reason why I am motivated to write these blogs. These experiences have made me an expert. I share this with the community for free because it is necessary.