Monday, 12 January 2026

The Lying Game

 


The piece is a sharply written, dialogue-driven script depicting a high-stakes interview or interrogation scenario involving false allegations. It unfolds almost entirely through spoken exchanges, building tension through layered argumentation, deflection, and meta-analysis of truth-seeking itself.



Synopsis

An unnamed individual (the accused, who speaks first and at length) is questioned about serious allegations made against them by a third party. Rather than issuing a simple denial or direct refutation, the accused launches into a detailed, philosophical, and strategic explanation of why engaging with the allegations on the accusers’ terms is unwise. They frame the situation as a manipulative “game” designed to force defensiveness, characterize the accusers’ claims as baseless lies (without evidence either way), and invoke concepts like weaponized vulnerability, subjective manipulation, and the absence of scientific proof.

The interviewer (or questioner) repeatedly tries to pin the accused down to a binary “yes/no” response, but the accused maintains precision, likening their mindset to that of a computer programmer who avoids faulty assumptions. The accused eventually ends the conversation, asserting they’ve over-delivered helpful clarity.

The piece then shifts to a separate conversation among observers (likely investigators, colleagues, or a panel reviewing the exchange). They debate the accused’s authenticity: some see clever manipulation and oversharing as suspicious, others view the precision and logic as signs of genuine honesty and victimhood. The observers end up divided, paranoid, and questioning whether the entire dialogue feels scripted or programmed—mirroring the accused’s own warnings about manipulation and prejudice clouding judgment.

Overall, it’s a compact psychological drama exploring how truth, perception, and power operate in contested narratives, especially when evidence is absent and motives are opaque.


Identified Themes and Topics


•  Deflection and strategic non-engagement — Refusing to play defense by directly addressing allegations, instead meta-commenting on the tactic itself (a common real-world strategy in responding to unproven claims to avoid legitimizing them).

•  Manipulation and “games” in discourse — Accusations as power grabs, weaponized vulnerability (claiming victimhood to gain leverage or sympathy while attacking others), and third-party manipulation.

•  Truth vs. perception/subjectivity — Absence of objective evidence turns everything into opinion; black-and-white frameworks are traps; critical thinking vs. emotional/prejudiced reactions.

•  Precision in language and logic — Programmer/analytical mindset as both strength (clarity) and potential red flag (overly calculated or robotic).

•  DARVO-like reversal (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) — Accused flips the script by accusing the accusers of lying and being manipulative/aggressors.

•  Oversharing and authenticity — Excessive explanation can signal honesty (transparency) or suspicion (trying too hard to convince).

•  Paranoia and division — How one person’s rhetoric can split observers into opposing camps, sowing doubt and self-questioning.

•  Power dynamics in interrogation/interview — Time as currency, value added through explanation, refusal to be cornered into binary positions.

•  Epistemology of belief — How people decide whom to believe when facts are gray; role of prejudice, logic, and gut feeling.

The writing is dense, introspective, and somewhat Socratic in the accused’s long monologues, while the observers’ section provides contrast through fragmented, human reactions.


THE LYING GAME :  THE SCRIPT 

(first draft, written by a human without using ai)


One


“So you’re not denying their allegation?”

“They have made a statement. It has nothing to do with me. I will defend their right to express themselves anyway they want.”

“But that is detrimental to you. They’re making allegations about you.”

“They are lying. But why should I play into their game? If I provide a response, it puts me on the defensive position which is what they want to do, from the outset. It’s a game strategy. It’s an often overlooked one. Everybody jumps on to step two without recognising what step one is. Do you want me to make a black-and-white response so that you have a framework you can manipulate? I refuse to do that. Although I know they’re lying, I can’t prove it. They can’t prove their allegation. It’s a grey area. Therefore, anything going forward from that point is a game, is not scientific and backed by evidence. It’s entirely subjective. I can choose if I decide to play into their game and which side I’m on. I do not want to play their game. So I will not choose a side. I will not give them any credibility that their game is one worth playing. As I said, my opinion is that they are lying. Their opinion might differ although, they must surely know they are lying, even when they present a pretence that they’re telling the truth. They are manipulating third parties who believe the lies, to target me. Which is a hostile action on their part. It’s weaponised vulnerability, they claim that they are the aggrieved party. They want more power and they want to take it from me. To achieve that, they are lying. So, there you have my response; an explanation that my opinion is recognising the futility of entering their game. It is all supposition with no scientifically backed evidence, Which is not itself any manipulation on my part for revealing that. You also have my bullet-point statement which is; they are lying. While you may interpret that it is my opinion that they are lying, which it is, it goes deeper than that. Whatever my opinion of the matter is, does not change that they are lying. I might choose to play their game by pretending they’re telling the truth even though I know they’re lying. The consequences are what this game is all about. Consequences which can be manipulated at every step of the way. That’s how game strategies work. Now for this lesson in how to think clearly, I have added value to your life and if you are to benefit from thinking clearly by following my advice, the value I’ve added to your life has come from me and from the time I’ve put in to explaining this. I’m not directly asking you for repayment for putting me out and making me serve you this way, but I would like you to think that I could do and I’d be within my right to. You’re asking me to work for you for free because you’re working for liars. I won’t ask how much you’re being paid for that.”

“So that is your rather long-winded way of denying their allegation.”

“No. I’m accusing them of lying. I have not directly addressed their allegation in terms of saying yes or no, agreeing to it or not. I have deflected it by explaining to you that they are lying. That’s a different item. It might seem confusing to you to think in that way because you want to put those two items as the same thing. I’m a computer coder, I write programs. I am this precise in my thinking because if I assume one thing means another thing, the code is broken and it will not work. This is how my mind processes data. I know that you want it in black-and-white. They’ve made their allegation and I’ve made mine. They are liars. Do with that what you will. It could be that I am lying. This is also possible in theory, although I know for absolute certain I am not. That’s what you’re trying to determine.”

“Yes, it is.”

“Well I have nothing more to say about this and it would be stupid for me to repeat myself. I’m busy and my time is worth money so please excuse me. I have to go now. For the record, I have answered your question well, even over-sharing by providing more information around the topic than you requested. I want to make sure that you fully understand where it is I’m coming from. I have helped you to the full extent of my capabilities. I do not believe it is wisdom to lie to incriminate myself. I request you contemplate that understanding and apply it to them also. Why would they lie to incriminate other people when the fact they have lied actually incriminates themselves as being antisocial? They lie hoping to stand to gain if people believe their lies. It’s a form of targeted abuse towards myself in this case or toward anyone else who they attempt to degrade with their lies, should anyone be so foolish to believe them. Sadly, they know that people will be foolish enough to believe them. What fools do with their own beliefs is nothing to do with me and nor should it, in my opinion. They have a right to be fools. Good day.”


Two


“Well that was interesting.”

“He said a lot.”

“We have nothing to go on.”

“He could be lying.”

“He’s a cunt.”

“Wait. If he is telling the truth then he’s not the cunt, he’s the victim of a manipulation.”

“His counter-allegation. Throwing it back at them to make us question their authenticity and the authenticity of their claim.”

“He’s clever.”

“No. If he’s telling the truth, that’s not cleverness, that’s honesty. Don’t mistake the two. We would identify he is being clever if it’s a case that he is manipulating us by lying. We do not know it for sure. He is correct in that he has worked with us to the full extent of his ability.”

“He went overboard. He overshared. That makes me suspicious.”

“Whereas if he had done less than sufficient, you would also be suspicious.”

“It’s my job to be suspicious.”

“It’s my job to ascertain truth.”

“He feels like he is lying.”

“I disagree. He feels like he is authentic. He’s a calculator. Precise and analytical of fault.”

“One of us has been duped by him.”

“He has split us up into two opposed camps, because of our own prejudices and perceptions. Perhaps you are correct and he is clever.”

“You are beginning to sound like him.”

“He reminded me to rely on logic to do calculus.”

“You admire him.”

“He has critical thinking skills. It does not mean he is innocent.”

“No and I suppose it is my place to agree that does not make him guilty either.”

“Do you feel like our conversation, the dialogue, is … I don’t know how to say this ... coded?” 

“Rigged. Scripted. Predictable.”

“Programmed.”

“We’re getting paranoid.”

“Are we, though?”



Monday, 5 January 2026

Mimetic vs Marxist Theory

 

Mimetic Theory versus Marxist Theory in Sociological Curricula: Education, Indoctrination, and Practical Implications for Social Reform

Abstract

This paper examines the disparity in sociological curricula between the prominent inclusion of Marxist theory and the relative marginalization of René Girard’s mimetic theory. It argues that while Marxism is entrenched as a classical conflict paradigm due to historical and institutional factors, Girard’s framework offers a complementary psychological and anthropological lens on human rivalry, desire, and violence. The paper addresses claims of ideological bias in education, compares the practical utility of each theory for assessing social agendas and reforms, and explores feminist critiques of Girard alongside counterclaims of his insights into gender dynamics. Ultimately, both theories illuminate mechanisms of social conflict, but Girard’s emphasis on universal mimetic processes may provide deeper tools for understanding contemporary identity-based divisions and scapegoating phenomena.

Introduction

Sociology syllabi frequently feature Karl Marx’s theories of class conflict, exploitation, and historical materialism as core components of conflict theory. Dedicated sections, courses, and even American Sociological Association divisions exist for Marxist sociology. In contrast, René Girard’s mimetic theory—positing that human desire is imitative, leading to rivalry, scapegoating, and cultural formation—is rarely included in standard curricula, appearing more in interdisciplinary fields like literary criticism, anthropology, or religious studies.

This asymmetry raises questions about the nature of sociological education: Is the prioritization of Marxism reflective of objective scholarly merit, or does it verge on ideological selectivity? If education aims to equip students with diverse tools for analyzing society, why is one framework privileged over another that addresses fundamental psychological drivers of conflict?

The Place of Marxism in Sociological Education

Marxism occupies a foundational role in sociology alongside Émile Durkheim’s functionalism and Max Weber’s interpretive approach. Marx, Durkheim, and Weber form the “classical trinity” of sociological theory, with Marxism providing the primary lens for conflict perspectives. Surveys and analyses indicate that Marxist texts, such as The Communist Manifesto, are among the most assigned readings in university courses, particularly in sociology, where self-identified Marxists comprise a notable minority of faculty (around 18-25% in social sciences).

This prominence stems from Marxism’s direct engagement with economic inequality, power structures, and social change—themes central to sociology’s origins in understanding industrialization and modernity. Neo-Marxist extensions, including critical theory and intersections with feminism and race, further embed it in contemporary curricula.

The Marginalization of Girard’s Mimetic Theory

René Girard’s mimetic theory, developed across works spanning literary criticism to anthropology, asserts that human desire is not autonomous but mimetic: individuals desire objects because others (models) desire them. This leads to rivalry when desires converge on scarce objects, escalating into conflict resolved through scapegoating—a collective victimization that restores order and founds culture and religion.

Despite its interdisciplinary influence (e.g., in psychology, economics, and peace studies), mimetic theory remains peripheral in sociology departments. Girard is not classified among classical theorists, and his ideas appear sporadically in specialized contexts rather than core syllabi. This reflects sociology’s historical focus on macro-structural analyses (class, institutions) over psychological-anthropological universals.

Education or Indoctrination? Ideological Bias in Curricula

This papers query implies that heavy emphasis on Marxism risks indoctrination by promoting a singular worldview of class struggle as the primary driver of history and reform. Evidence supports disproportionate representation: Marxist-informed courses span sociological theory, inequality, and political sociology, often framing capitalism critically.

Girard’s absence may stem not from inferiority but from institutional inertia and ideological alignment. Marxism aligns with progressive critiques of power, appealing in academic environments leaning leftward. Girard’s theory, with its roots in biblical revelation and critique of undifferentiated violence, challenges secular narratives and identity politics by universalizing human rivalry—potentially discomforting frameworks that emphasize group-specific oppression.

Balanced education would expose students to multiple paradigms, allowing critical comparison rather than defaulting to one.

Comparative Practical Impact: Assessing Social Agendas and Reforms

Marxism offers a structural toolkit: class analysis reveals exploitation in labor, policy, and institutions, informing reforms like welfare states or revolutionary agendas. Its practical legacy includes labor rights, anti-colonial movements, and critical analyses of inequality.

However, Marxism’s focus on economic base can overlook non-class conflicts (e.g., cultural, ethnic, or status-based rivalries). Historical applications sometimes led to authoritarian outcomes, questioning its reform efficacy.

Girard’s mimetic theory provides a psychological complement: social crises arise from escalating imitation and rivalry, resolved via scapegoating (blaming outliers). This illuminates phenomena like identity politics, cancel culture, or populist scapegoating of minorities—where groups unify against perceived “obstacles.”

Practically, mimetic insights could enhance reforms by addressing desire-driven polarization: fostering positive mimesis (imitating constructive models) or exposing scapegoat mechanisms to prevent violence. While less prescriptive than Marxism, it offers diagnostic depth for agendas involving victimhood narratives or intergroup tension, potentially more adaptable to post-industrial, identity-focused societies.

Neither is inherently ‘more practical’—Marxism excels in economic reform; Girard in de-escalating mimetic escalation—but integrating both yields richer analysis.

Girard and Gender: Critiques and Counterclaims

Feminist scholars have critiqued Girard for androcentrism: his early literary examples often feature male-mediated female objects, sidelining women’s agency or preoedipal desire. Toril Moi and Sarah Kofman argue this devalues maternal roles and prioritizes homosocial rivalry.

Conversely, defenders note Girard’s gender neutrality: mimetic desire and scapegoating apply universally, with victims often marginal (including women). Some praise his exposure of sacrificial violence against the vulnerable, aligning with feminist concerns over patriarchy as scapegoating mechanism. Proponents claim Girard understands gendered dynamics profoundly, revealing how rivalry masquerades as difference.

These debates highlight denial dynamics: critics rejecting mimetic universals may mirror the scapegoating Girard describes.

Conclusion

The curricular dominance of Marxism over Girard’s mimetic theory reflects historical canonization rather than exhaustive merit. Both illuminate social conflict—Marxism structurally, Girard psychologically—but Girard’s framework may prove increasingly practical for navigating contemporary mimetic crises. True education demands pluralism: teaching both to foster critical assessment of reforms, avoiding indoctrination into any single lens.

Index of Sources by Title and Author

•  Deceit, Desire, and the Novel: Self and Other in Literary Structure by René Girard

•  Violence and the Sacred by René Girard

•  Things Hidden Since the Foundation of the World by René Girard

•  The Scapegoat by René Girard

•  René Girard’s Mimetic Theory by Wolfgang Palaver

•  The Girard Reader by René Girard (edited by James G. Williams)

•  Capitalism and Freedom by Milton Friedman (critique of Marxist economic applications)

•  Gender Trouble: Feminism and the Subversion of Identity by Judith Butler (intersection with performativity and mimesis critiques)

•  Sacrificed Lives: Kristeva on Women and Violence by Martha Reineke (feminist engagement with Girard)

•  Queering Girard—De-Freuding Butler by Iwona Janicka (theoretical encounter on gender and mimesis)

•  Marxism in Contemporary Sociology by Matt Vidal (encyclopedia entry)

•  The Oxford Handbook of Karl Marx by Matt Vidal, Tony Smith, Paul Prew, and Tomás Rotta (editors)

•  Envisioning Real Utopias by Erik Olin Wright (neo-Marxist reform)

•  Evolution of Desire: A Life of René Girard by Cynthia L. Haven (biographical context)


Thursday, 1 January 2026

Integration Nexus vs Shadow Veil


To differentiate the two hypothetical worlds based on their approach to the Jungian Shadow—the unconscious, often repressed aspects of the psyche including instincts, flaws, and hidden desires—I'll name them as follows:

  • Integration Nexus: The world where confronting, accepting, and assimilating the Shadow is mainstream culture, fostering psychological wholeness.
  • Suppression Veil: The world where social norms encourage rejecting and avoiding the Shadow, leading to disconnection from the self.

These names evoke the core dynamics: "Nexus" implies connection and unity through integration, while "Veil" suggests concealment and illusion through suppression.


Description of Integration Nexus

In Integration Nexus, society views the Shadow not as a threat but as an essential part of human depth, much like Jung described it as a gateway to self-realization. Mainstream culture—through education, media, art, and public discourse—promotes tools for Shadow work, such as therapy, journaling, dream analysis, and communal rituals for exploring personal darkness. Schools teach emotional literacy from a young age, emphasizing that flaws like anger, envy, or taboo desires are universal and integrable rather than shameful. Popular media features stories of heroes who triumph by befriending their inner demons, and workplaces encourage vulnerability sessions where employees share insecurities to build trust.

As a result, individuals are more authentic and self-aware. Projection—where one attributes their own unacknowledged traits to others—is minimized, leading to reduced interpersonal conflicts and prejudices. Society is innovative and resilient: artists draw from raw, unfiltered psyche for groundbreaking creations; leaders make decisions with humility, acknowledging their biases; and communities handle crises with empathy, viewing collective shadows (e.g., historical traumas) as opportunities for healing. Mental health thrives, with lower rates of neurosis, addiction, or burnout, as people channel Shadow energies constructively—turning aggression into assertiveness or forbidden impulses into creative outlets.

However, this world isn't utopian. Over-emphasis on confrontation could occasionally lead to exhaustion from constant introspection or misuse by those who confuse integration with unchecked indulgence. Overall, it's a dynamic, evolving society where personal growth is a cultural norm, fostering deeper connections and a sense of wholeness.


Description of Suppression Veil

In Suppression Veil, the Shadow is treated as a taboo enemy to be exiled from conscious life. Social encouragement—via laws, religions, education, and media—reinforces ideals of purity, perfection, and control, urging people to deny or hide their darker impulses. Phrases like "stay positive" or "don't dwell on the negative" dominate, with therapy stigmatized as weakness and self-reflection seen as self-indulgent. Families and institutions prioritize appearances, punishing expressions of vulnerability or "unacceptable" traits, leading to a culture of conformity where everyone strives for an idealized self-image.

This results in widespread psychological fragmentation. Unintegrated Shadows manifest through projection: individuals and groups displace their repressed flaws onto "others," fueling divisions like racism, political extremism, or scapegoating. Mental health suffers, with high incidences of anxiety, depression, and psychosomatic illnesses, as suppressed energies erupt in destructive ways—think hidden addictions, passive-aggression, or sudden breakdowns. Society appears orderly on the surface, with rigid hierarchies and moral codes providing stability, but it's brittle: innovation stagnates due to fear of risk or "deviant" ideas, and conflicts escalate because underlying tensions are ignored. Art and media are sanitized, promoting escapism over depth, while leaders often embody hypocrisy, preaching virtue while privately succumbing to their Shadows.

The upside, if any, is a superficial harmony in everyday life, where predictability and shared illusions create a sense of security. But this comes at the cost of authenticity, leaving people feeling alienated from themselves and each other.


Comparison

Integration Nexus and Suppression Veil represent polar opposites in psychological evolution, with profound ripple effects on individual well-being, social dynamics, and cultural progress.


  • Individual Level: In Integration Nexus, people achieve Jungian individuation—a balanced, mature psyche—leading to fulfillment and resilience. They live with vitality, transforming Shadow elements into strengths (e.g., repressed creativity becomes innovation). In Suppression Veil, individuals remain divided, with the ego in constant battle against the unconscious, resulting in inner turmoil, projection-driven neuroses, and a shallow sense of self. Nexus dwellers feel "whole," while Veil inhabitants often experience emptiness or chronic dissatisfaction.
  • Social Level: Nexus fosters empathy and unity, as shared Shadow acknowledgment reduces "us vs. them" mentalities; conflicts are resolved through dialogue, and diversity is celebrated as part of the human mosaic. Veil, conversely, breeds division and hypocrisy—repressed Shadows are externalized, leading to wars, injustices, and echo chambers where groups demonize each other. Nexus society is collaborative and adaptive, while Veil is hierarchical and prone to authoritarianism to maintain the illusion of control.
  • Cultural and Long-Term Outcomes: Nexus evolves rapidly, with art, science, and ethics advancing through honest exploration of the human condition; it's a world of progress toward collective enlightenment. Veil stagnates or regresses, as unaddressed Shadows fuel cycles of repression and rebellion—think historical patterns of puritanical eras followed by chaotic upheavals. Nexus might risk over-introspection leading to paralysis, but Veil's greater danger is explosive instability when suppressed energies inevitably surface.


In essence, Integration Nexus embodies Jung's ideal of psychological maturity, creating a vibrant, connected world at the price of discomfort during confrontation. Suppression Veil mirrors many real-world societies' pitfalls, offering short-term comfort but long-term dysfunction through denial. The key difference lies in energy flow: Nexus channels the Shadow productively, while Veil bottles it up, inviting eruptions. If we draw from Jung's warnings, Nexus aligns with health and growth, suggesting that true harmony arises not from avoidance but from brave assimilation.



Friday, 26 December 2025

Covert Control in Relationships

 

Covert Control and Abuse in Platonic and Romantic Relationships: Subtle Dynamics of Manipulation and Power

Abstract

Covert control and abuse represent insidious forms of emotional and psychological manipulation that erode victims' autonomy, self-esteem, and reality perception without overt violence. Often overlooked due to their subtlety, these behaviors manifest in both romantic partnerships and platonic friendships through tactics like gaslighting, guilt-tripping, passive-aggression, and one-sided emotional labor. This companion paper explores these dynamics, drawing on psychological frameworks such as Transactional Analysis (TA) by Eric Berne, covert narcissism traits, and coercive control concepts. It highlights how manipulators use "games" to maintain dominance, often masking control as concern or friendship. Recognising these patterns empowers individuals to set boundaries and foster healthier relationships.



Transactional Analysis Theory & Therapy: Eric Berne

The classic Transactional Analysis diagram illustrating the Parent, Adult, and Child ego states, central to understanding manipulative transactions.


Introduction

We often idealize relationships—romantic or platonic—as sources of support and mutual growth. Yet, many harbor subtle imbalances where one person exerts covert control, leaving the other feeling confused, drained, or inadequate. Unlike physical abuse, covert forms leave no visible scars, making them harder to identify and escape.

Covert abuse includes emotional manipulation, gaslighting (making someone doubt their reality), and coercive control (patterns restricting freedom through intimidation or isolation). These occur across relationship types: romantic partners may use silent treatment or financial control; friends might employ guilt or triangulation (involving third parties to pressure). Substance use or personality traits like covert narcissism can amplify these behaviors, turning "concern" into dominance.

This paper examines these tactics in both contexts, using TA to analyze ulterior transactions and "games." It extends prior discussions of long-term friendships by linking personal patterns to broader psychological insights.

Theoretical Framework

Transactional Analysis (Eric Berne)

Berne's TA posits three ego states: Parent (critical or nurturing behaviors from caregivers), Adult (rational, present-focused), and Child (emotional responses from childhood).

Healthy relationships feature complementary Adult-Adult transactions. Abusive ones often involve crossed or ulterior transactions, where hidden agendas drive "games"—repetitive patterns with psychological payoffs like vindication or superiority.

In covert abuse, manipulators operate from Critical Parent, dismissing the victim's Adult reasoning, or play victim (Adapted Child) to evoke guilt.


How to Understand the Dynamics of Relationships Using ...

A detailed TA ego states diagram showing interactions between Parent, Adult, and Child.


Covert Narcissism and Gaslighting

Covert narcissists appear vulnerable or self-effacing but harbor grandiosity, envy, and entitlement. In relationships, they use passive-aggression, victim-playing, or subtle undermining to control without overt aggression.

Gaslighting—denying events, trivializing feelings, or shifting blame—creates self-doubt, a hallmark in both romantic (e.g., "You're overreacting") and platonic contexts (e.g., "I never said that; you're imagining things").


Gaslighting - BulliesOut

An illustration depicting the disorienting effects of gaslighting in relationships.


This simple infographic conveys solid guidelines for dealing with ...

Infographic highlighting traits of covert narcissism, often underlying subtle manipulation.


Coercive Control

Originally tied to domestic violence, coercive control involves patterns isolating, intimidating, or degrading to strip autonomy. In non-romantic ties, it appears as emotional blackmail or triangulation.


Covert Abuse in Romantic Relationships

Romantic covert abuse often starts with love-bombing (overwhelming affection) before shifting to devaluation. Tactics include:

  • Gaslighting: Denying infidelity or twisting arguments.
  • Passive-aggression: Silent treatment as punishment.
  • Financial/emotional isolation: Controlling money or discouraging outside support.

These align with TA games like "Now I've Got You" (exploiting vulnerabilities) or grandiosity variants, where the abuser asserts superiority through subtle put-downs.

Victims feel trapped by intermittent reinforcement—moments of kindness reinforcing hope.


Covert Abuse in Platonic Friendships

Friendships provide fertile ground for covert manipulation, as boundaries are looser. Signs include:

  • One-sided support: The "friend" demands emotional labor but reciprocates minimally.
  • Guilt-tripping: "If you were a real friend, you'd..."
  • Triangulation: Gossiping to mutual friends to isolate or pressure.
  • Subtle undermining: Backhanded compliments or dismissing achievements.

In TA terms, these are Parent-Child transactions, with the manipulator in Controlling Parent, reducing the friend to Adapted Child. Humor often deflects scrutiny, turning criticism into "jokes."

Covert narcissists in friendships play victim for sympathy, draining others while offering little genuine empathy.


Common Tactics and Overlaps

Both relationship types share:

  • Emotional blackmail and projection.
  • Shifting to farce when challenged (TA grandiosity game).
  • Exploitation of vulnerability for control.

Substance abuse or unresolved trauma can fuel these, providing escapism while enabling dominance.


Discussion and Recognition

Covert abuse thrives on denial—"They're just intense" or "It's my fault." Long-term effects include anxiety, depression, and eroded trust.

TA helps by identifying non-Adult transactions; recognizing games interrupts cycles.

Empowerment comes from boundaries, journaling interactions, and seeking external validation.


Conclusion

Covert control insidious because it masquerades as care, eroding victims gradually. Whether in romance or friendship, patterns of gaslighting, one-way respect, and ulterior games signal abuse.

By understanding TA ego states, narcissistic traits, and coercive tactics, individuals reclaim agency. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual Adult-Adult respect—no hidden payoffs required.

Prioritize connections that energize, not exhaust. Healing begins with naming the unseen.


References (Index of Sources by Title and Author)

  • Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships – Eric Berne
  • Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy – Eric Berne
  • The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life – Robin Stern
  • Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men – Lundy Bancroft
  • In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People – George K. Simon
  • Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People – Jackson MacKenzie
  • The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse – Debbie Mirza
  • 30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control in Personal Relationships – Adelyn Birch
  • Was It Even Abuse?: Restoring Clarity After Covert Abuse – Emma Rose Byham