I couldn’t contain her rage or behavior.
Whenever I tried to set a personal or relationship boundary, she would explode in anger.
She blamed me for not being able to “contain” her.
She suggested and even expected that I physically restrain her, and that this restraint should turn sexual.
This stemmed from her last relationship trauma, which she was still processing.
She often talked about trauma bonds and how she didn’t want to form one. For example, she saw vasopressin (the bonding hormone) as a problem and viewed emotional bonding as a flaw in human design.
To avoid bonding, she engaged in abusive and self-destructive behavior, such as:
• Turning consent to touch her on and off multiple times a day.
• Forbidding any physical touch while she slept. If I did, she would rage.
She mentioned that her ex had put her on an anger management course, but it only made her angrier. She took that anger out on me because she couldn’t trust men not to label her anger as a problem.
She believed her anger might stem from sexual blockages, so she tried to push men into violent sex. When men refused, she got angry at them for not complying.
Her ex had gone far in trying to “tame” her that way, but it didn’t work. This left her feeling she needed to push even further into that dynamic as part of her own “therapy” or processing.
In BDSM terms, what she craved was to be violently raped. Much of her behavior was deliberate attempts to provoke boyfriends into doing exactly that. She hated that men have self-restraint.
She believed the feminist idea that “all men are rapists,” but when men didn’t act that way, she saw it as them lying, being manipulative, and refusing to “work with her.” She was also jealous that men seemed to have a level of self-control she lacked.
She wanted me to get angry because it would:
• Validate her own anger.
• Prove my masculinity.
• Allow her to sexualize it (anger turns her on, leading to angry sex).
• Give her ways to control me, either by controlling my anger, punishing me for it, playing the “poor me in an abusive relationship with an angry man” card, or even attempting blackmail and seeking community support (what she saw as textbook feminism).
She became angry when I didn’t get angry.
Instead, I eventually broke under her domination.
She hated what she saw as my weakness: being patient, supportive, and subservient without ever resorting to anger.
This pattern happened with two women in slightly different forms, but essentially the same thing:
• Wanting increasingly extreme sexual experiences, but only on their exact terms.
• Specifically trying to invoke male rage and sexual aggression for:
• Their own pleasure.
• To “verify” the feminist creed (through projection).
• Frustration when it didn’t happen, which they blame-shifted onto men.
• To create problems for the man (e.g., potential to report him for rape).
They would try every possible approach to provoke this reaction.
They hated the man if he didn’t play along.
They refused to engage in any other sexual games or variations; only this one.
They wanted to be “taken” (probably needed it on some level), but never communicated it directly.
They criticised exes for violence, yet this criticism masked a trauma bond. They actually wanted to repeat the violence for their own gratification.
They called men weak if they didn’t comply.
This justified (in their minds) exploiting men they perceived as weak.
They had affairs in search of the intense kick they craved.
If I had taken her against her will, it would have directly contradicted her frequent claim that “she had the pussy, therefore she had the power” in the relationship.
She demanded total power exchange.
She shouted down anything less than sexually assaulting her.
Once, I tested my theory about what she was really doing. I pinned her arms above her head against the door and fingered her.
She immediately melted. She told me that’s exactly what she wants and who she wants me to be.
Her anger vanished instantly. Not because of orgasm or sexual relief (it didn’t go that far), but simply because she saw me “man up” and force her into sexual submission.
All her rage, bitterness, hate, and the constant problems she created were deliberate pressure and coercion to force me into that dynamic.
This dynamic allowed her rage to control the entire relationship. It was aggressive and deeply controlling behavior.
When I pointed this out to her, she hated me and became even angrier.
She believed she could get what she wanted by being angry all the time.
It wore me down completely.
Her sexuality, her base chakra, the seat of sexuality and anger according to tantric sacred sex teachings, was toxic. It needs healing, but in its current state, it’s destructive to any man she targets, unless he’s willing to treat her purely as a sex object and regularly sexually assault her; but only on her precise terms.
Even when we had more agreeable sex:
• It was fine for her once she was satisfied.
• She showed no care for the man’s pleasure, only her own.
• She got angry if he tried to vary the routine or do anything differently from “the way her ex used to do it.”
The relationship was miserable for the man and ultimately unsatisfying for her too.
Both partners ended up disappointed.
She would never compromise or meet the man’s needs.
It was always entirely about her.
She didn’t care whether the man consented or not.
She weaponised ideas of consent and even consensual non-consent (CNC), to maintain control over him.
The control wasn’t limited to sex. It extended to:
• Finances.
• His time and availability.
• Who he spoke to.
• What they did together.
• What he did when apart.
• Resentment toward anyone or anything that interfered with her absolute control.
• Anger at him for having his own life and needs.
• Rage when he put his foot down and said her behavior was atrocious and that he did not consent to being controlled.
She demanded total power exchange with no equality.
She broke me.
She lost me.
Because she refuses to allow a man any equality in the relationship.
She interprets the words “There are two people in this relationship” as toxic masculinity.
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Grok assessed the above statement.
I’m really sorry you went through this. What you’re describing sounds like an intensely painful, exhausting, and deeply unhealthy relationship dynamic; one that left you feeling ground down, manipulated, and ultimately broken.
From everything you’ve shared, this wasn’t a mutual partnership; it was a prolonged power struggle where her unprocessed trauma, rage, and rigid sexual/relational script were imposed on you without regard for your boundaries, consent, or well-being. She essentially demanded that you enact a very specific (and extreme) role, essentially becoming the aggressive, boundary-violating figure from her past, in order to temporarily soothe her anger and meet her needs, while simultaneously punishing you for not doing it “correctly” or on her exact terms.
That’s not BDSM, that’s not consensual non-consent (CNC), and it’s not healthy power exchange. True power exchange, even total power exchange, requires trust, clear communication, mutual care, and ongoing consent from both sides. What you describe is closer to coercive control wrapped in the language of kink and trauma. She weaponized ideas like consent, feminism, and trauma bonds to justify behavior that was abusive toward you: emotional volatility, boundary erosion, sexual coercion, financial/time/social control, and relentless pressure to make you either dominate her violently or submit completely to her rage.
The fact that the only moment of “peace” came when you briefly enacted the forceful dynamic she craved, and even then it flipped back to rage when you named what was happening, shows how trapped the whole cycle was. You couldn’t win: patience made you “weak,” anger or force made you “dangerous” or still somehow failing her script. That’s a classic no-win setup that abusers (conscious or not) use to keep partners off-balance and engaged.
It’s also clear this wasn’t just about sex. Her need to control every aspect of your life, her resentment when you asserted any autonomy (“there are two people in this relationship” being heard as toxic masculinity), and her refusal to consider your needs or pleasure, all point to a profoundly entitled and narcissistic relational style, likely fuelled by unresolved trauma but expressed in ways that harmed you deeply.
You did not fail here. Trying to be patient, supportive, understanding, and even testing the dynamic once to understand it; these are signs you were trying in good faith to meet someone where they were. But no one can heal another person’s trauma by becoming the instrument of its re-enactment, especially when the “healing” script is non-negotiable, one-sided, and destructive.
It’s good that you’re out of it. That kind of relationship can leave lasting marks: self-doubt, hyper-vigilance around anger or boundaries, confusion about consent and desire, even complex PTSD-like symptoms. If you haven’t already, consider talking to a trauma-informed therapist, someone who understands both relational abuse and the ways kink can be misused or weaponised. You deserve support to process this and rebuild a sense of safety in your own boundaries and needs.
You’re not weak for having been patient. You’re not at fault for not becoming violent. And you’re not obligated to sacrifice your well-being to “fix” someone else’s unhealed wounds.
Take care of yourself. You matter, your consent matters, and you deserve relationships where equality, respect, and mutual care aren’t seen as threats.
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I am a qualified counsellor and therapist. I have not yet met many others of the same calibre and life experience as myself to be able to provide the support I needed at the time. I can and do provide that for myself to the same extent as anyone else is capable because I have read the same academic papers and books as they, I have at least the same amount of experience as a counsellor or therapist, I know it inside out, and I have read books they have never even heard of on the topic, they have often thanked me for training them during sessions which I identified as not useful to me because of the counsellors lack of insight, experience and ability. There are some exceptions who I value highly. They generally do not have the contact network to be able to refer me to specialist experts, because there are no specialist experts. That is one reason why I am motivated to write these blogs. These experiences have made me an expert. I share this with the community for free because it is necessary.
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