Boundary Violations and Psychological Games in Long-Term Friendships: A Transactional Analysis Perspective
Abstract
Long-term friendships often endure periods of separation yet resume seamlessly, suggesting deep bonds. However, underlying dynamics can involve boundary violations, controlling behaviors, and unconscious psychological games that erode mutual respect.
This paper examines two case studies of decades-old friendships that ended due to plagiarism, withholding property, disturbing confessions, ideological control, and the use of humour for dominance. Drawing primarily on Transactional Analysis (TA) developed by Eric Berne, along with insights from betrayal psychology, narcissistic traits, and substance use, the analysis reveals patterns of one-way respect, grandiosity, and escapism.
These dynamics illustrate how individuals may position themselves as superior while demanding conformity, often amplified by substance abuse. The cases highlight the importance of Adult-to-Adult transactions for healthy relationships and the personal growth achieved by recognising and exiting dysfunctional patterns.
Introduction
Friendships spanning decades carry a unique resilience: years can pass without contact, yet conversations resume as if no time has elapsed. This “timeless” quality often signals true connection. Yet, in some cases, it masks unbalanced dynamics where one party seeks approval or tolerates violations to maintain the bond.
This paper uses two real-life case studies to explore these subtleties. In both, the friendships ended when the client recognised patterns of control, betrayal, and boundary disregard. The first involved plagiarism of creative work, a refusal to return valuable equipment, and a troubling personal confession. The second centered on ideological disagreements framed as concern for the clients mental health.
Through the lens of Transactional Analysis (TA), particularly Berne’s concepts of ego states and psychological games, these cases reveal interactions dominated by Parent-Child transactions rather than equitable Adult-Adult ones. Supporting insights from betrayal research, narcissistic personality traits, and the role of substance abuse extend the analysis, showing how such behaviors sustain dominance while avoiding genuine intimacy.
Theoretical Framework: Transactional Analysis and Related Concepts
Transactional Analysis, developed by Eric Berne in the 1950s and 1960s, views personality through three ego states: Parent (behaviors and attitudes copied from caregivers, split into Nurturing and Controlling/Critical), Adult (rational, present-focused processing), and Child (feelings and reactions from childhood, split into Free/Natural and Adapted).
Healthy interactions occur in complementary Adult-Adult transactions, fostering mutual respect. Dysfunctional ones often involve crossed transactions or Parent-Child patterns, where one person controls or criticizes (Controlling Parent) and the other adapts or rebels (Adapted Child).
Berne described repetitive, ulterior-motived interactions as “games”; ulterior transactions leading to predictable payoffs, often negative emotions reinforcing scripted beliefs. Examples include “Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a Bitch” (exploiting a mistake for triumph), “See What You Made Me Do” (blaming others), and variants of grandiosity where players assert superiority through rational arguments or humour.
Humour can serve as deflection: turning serious critique into comedy to avoid scrutiny and dominate socially. When arguments lose ground, shifting to farce makes challengers seem humourless, establishing dominance; a game of grandiosity.
Boundary violations, such as plagiarism or withholding property, represent severe betrayals, eroding trust and self-esteem. In long-term friendships, these can accumulate gradually, masked by history.
Controlling behaviors often involve gaslighting: accusing disagreement of madness to maintain the upper hand. This aligns with Critical Parent responses dismissing Adult autonomy.
Substance abuse frequently intersects with narcissistic traits, including grandiosity and lack of empathy. Drugs provide escapism from inner conflicts while fuelling overbearing personalities, reinforcing games of control.
Case Study 1: Betrayal Through Plagiarism and Boundary Violation
The first friendship, beginning at age 21, involved a transsexual individual with an alternate drag persona. Contact was intermittent, yet resumed easily, a hallmark of deep ties.
The rupture occurred when the friend inputted the clients literary work into an AI tool, rewrote it in his style, and claimed it as original. This plagiarism constituted a profound boundary violation and creative betrayal.
Compounding this, the friend confessed to discovering pedophilic impulses, linking them to relational difficulties. He also withheld rare, expensive music equipment despite repeated requests, likely selling it and impacting the clients productivity.
Post-severance, the friend went socially silent, possibly due to lost support or institutionalization for medication non-compliance.
From a TA perspective, plagiarism aligns with games like “Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a Bitch,” exploiting trust for personal gain. The confession and withholding suggest Controlling Parent behaviors mixed with vulnerable Child, demanding acceptance without reciprocity.
The equipment loss represents a material boundary violation, prioritizing self over friendship equity. Substance abuse, central to the friend’s personality, likely amplified entitlement and escapism, aligning with research linking narcissism and drug use to control and avoidance of inner demons.
Case Study 2: Ideological Control and Dismissal
The second friendship, starting at age 14, ended after contact in autumn 2025. The friend expressed “concern” that the clients evidence-based conclusions contradicted his beliefs, implying mental instability for autonomous thinking.
This pattern of labelling independence as madness, serves control: disagreement threatens the friend’s projected superiority.
Both friends shared traits: confidence in correcting others’ “closed-mindedness” while rejecting stoic or disciplined views (e.g., sobriety). Heavy drug use fuelled overbearing styles, framing their opinions as superior and dismissing others as escapist confrontation avoiders.
Humour played a key role: rational arguments gave way to farce, making critics seem joyless and cementing social dominance; a classic grandiosity game.
In TA terms, these interactions were Parent-Child: friends in Controlling Parent corrected the clients Adapted Child, demanding conformity. Accusations of craziness represent gaslighting, crossing emotional boundaries to undermine Adult reasoning.
Drug use reinforced this, providing escapism while enabling demeaning tactics for power.
Discussion: Common Dynamics and Psychological Insights
Both cases exhibit one-way respect: friends positioned as enlightened arbiters, entitled to undermine differing views for dominance, not truth-seeking.
This reflects Berne’s games of grandiosity, where disagreement asserts power. Humour as deflection, grinding down while entertaining, avoids scrutiny, exploiting social taboos against “killjoys.”
Substance abuse emerges as central, linking to narcissistic traits: grandiosity, entitlement, and control. Drugs escape untamed “demons,” projecting onto others via right-think enforcement.
Betrayal (plagiarism, withholding) and gaslighting (“you’re crazy”) erode boundaries, common in unbalanced long-term ties.
The clients resolution, recognising reliance on approval and reclaiming autonomy, marks a shift to strengthened Adult ego state, exiting games for self-respect.
These dynamics warn that “timeless” friendships may script Parent-Child roles from youth, persisting unless challenged.
Conclusion
These case studies illuminate how long-term friendships can harbor controlling games, boundary violations, and escapist behaviors masked as openness. TA provides a clear framework: healthy bonds thrive in Adult-Adult transactions; dysfunction in Parent-Child games seeking ulterior payoffs.
Recognizing these patterns empowers exit from entanglement, fostering growth and reciprocal connections. As we enter new years, shedding approval needs liberates space for authentic relating—free from grandiosity, plagiarism, or drug-fuelled dominance.
References (Index of Sources by Title and Author)
• Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships – Eric Berne
• Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy – Eric Berne
• What Do You Say After You Say Hello? – Eric Berne
• I’m OK – You’re OK – Thomas Harris
• The Gaslight Effect – Robin Stern
• Various contributions on betrayal psychology – Ariane Kim Schratter; Trevor Shackelford and David Buss
• Research on narcissism and substance use disorders – Multiple studies cited in Addictions and the Dark Triad of Personality (Frontiers in Psychiatry) and related works
No comments:
Post a Comment