Covert Control and Abuse in Platonic and Romantic Relationships: Subtle Dynamics of Manipulation and Power
Abstract
Covert control and abuse represent insidious forms of emotional and psychological manipulation that erode victims' autonomy, self-esteem, and reality perception without overt violence. Often overlooked due to their subtlety, these behaviors manifest in both romantic partnerships and platonic friendships through tactics like gaslighting, guilt-tripping, passive-aggression, and one-sided emotional labor. This companion paper explores these dynamics, drawing on psychological frameworks such as Transactional Analysis (TA) by Eric Berne, covert narcissism traits, and coercive control concepts. It highlights how manipulators use "games" to maintain dominance, often masking control as concern or friendship. Recognising these patterns empowers individuals to set boundaries and foster healthier relationships.
The classic Transactional Analysis diagram illustrating the Parent, Adult, and Child ego states, central to understanding manipulative transactions.
Introduction
We often idealize relationships—romantic or platonic—as sources of support and mutual growth. Yet, many harbor subtle imbalances where one person exerts covert control, leaving the other feeling confused, drained, or inadequate. Unlike physical abuse, covert forms leave no visible scars, making them harder to identify and escape.
Covert abuse includes emotional manipulation, gaslighting (making someone doubt their reality), and coercive control (patterns restricting freedom through intimidation or isolation). These occur across relationship types: romantic partners may use silent treatment or financial control; friends might employ guilt or triangulation (involving third parties to pressure). Substance use or personality traits like covert narcissism can amplify these behaviors, turning "concern" into dominance.
This paper examines these tactics in both contexts, using TA to analyze ulterior transactions and "games." It extends prior discussions of long-term friendships by linking personal patterns to broader psychological insights.
Theoretical Framework
Transactional Analysis (Eric Berne)
Berne's TA posits three ego states: Parent (critical or nurturing behaviors from caregivers), Adult (rational, present-focused), and Child (emotional responses from childhood).
Healthy relationships feature complementary Adult-Adult transactions. Abusive ones often involve crossed or ulterior transactions, where hidden agendas drive "games"—repetitive patterns with psychological payoffs like vindication or superiority.
In covert abuse, manipulators operate from Critical Parent, dismissing the victim's Adult reasoning, or play victim (Adapted Child) to evoke guilt.
A detailed TA ego states diagram showing interactions between Parent, Adult, and Child.
Covert Narcissism and Gaslighting
Covert narcissists appear vulnerable or self-effacing but harbor grandiosity, envy, and entitlement. In relationships, they use passive-aggression, victim-playing, or subtle undermining to control without overt aggression.
Gaslighting—denying events, trivializing feelings, or shifting blame—creates self-doubt, a hallmark in both romantic (e.g., "You're overreacting") and platonic contexts (e.g., "I never said that; you're imagining things").
An illustration depicting the disorienting effects of gaslighting in relationships.
Infographic highlighting traits of covert narcissism, often underlying subtle manipulation.
Coercive Control
Originally tied to domestic violence, coercive control involves patterns isolating, intimidating, or degrading to strip autonomy. In non-romantic ties, it appears as emotional blackmail or triangulation.
Covert Abuse in Romantic Relationships
Romantic covert abuse often starts with love-bombing (overwhelming affection) before shifting to devaluation. Tactics include:
- Gaslighting: Denying infidelity or twisting arguments.
- Passive-aggression: Silent treatment as punishment.
- Financial/emotional isolation: Controlling money or discouraging outside support.
These align with TA games like "Now I've Got You" (exploiting vulnerabilities) or grandiosity variants, where the abuser asserts superiority through subtle put-downs.
Victims feel trapped by intermittent reinforcement—moments of kindness reinforcing hope.
Covert Abuse in Platonic Friendships
Friendships provide fertile ground for covert manipulation, as boundaries are looser. Signs include:
- One-sided support: The "friend" demands emotional labor but reciprocates minimally.
- Guilt-tripping: "If you were a real friend, you'd..."
- Triangulation: Gossiping to mutual friends to isolate or pressure.
- Subtle undermining: Backhanded compliments or dismissing achievements.
In TA terms, these are Parent-Child transactions, with the manipulator in Controlling Parent, reducing the friend to Adapted Child. Humor often deflects scrutiny, turning criticism into "jokes."
Covert narcissists in friendships play victim for sympathy, draining others while offering little genuine empathy.
Common Tactics and Overlaps
Both relationship types share:
- Emotional blackmail and projection.
- Shifting to farce when challenged (TA grandiosity game).
- Exploitation of vulnerability for control.
Substance abuse or unresolved trauma can fuel these, providing escapism while enabling dominance.
Discussion and Recognition
Covert abuse thrives on denial—"They're just intense" or "It's my fault." Long-term effects include anxiety, depression, and eroded trust.
TA helps by identifying non-Adult transactions; recognizing games interrupts cycles.
Empowerment comes from boundaries, journaling interactions, and seeking external validation.
Conclusion
Covert control insidious because it masquerades as care, eroding victims gradually. Whether in romance or friendship, patterns of gaslighting, one-way respect, and ulterior games signal abuse.
By understanding TA ego states, narcissistic traits, and coercive tactics, individuals reclaim agency. Healthy relationships thrive on mutual Adult-Adult respect—no hidden payoffs required.
Prioritize connections that energize, not exhaust. Healing begins with naming the unseen.
References (Index of Sources by Title and Author)
- Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships – Eric Berne
- Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy – Eric Berne
- The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life – Robin Stern
- Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men – Lundy Bancroft
- In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People – George K. Simon
- Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People – Jackson MacKenzie
- The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse – Debbie Mirza
- 30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control in Personal Relationships – Adelyn Birch
- Was It Even Abuse?: Restoring Clarity After Covert Abuse – Emma Rose Byham
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