Autism, Manipulation, Adaptation

Emotional Manipulation and the Expectation to Adapt

I am fed up with emotional manipulation. It comes from everyone I know—including my dog. People present me with their emotions, expecting me to respond in a way that balances their feelings. This dynamic forces me into a position:

• If I do not respond in the way they expect, I am perceived as lacking empathy or as a bad person.

• If I do adapt to them, I am reinforcing their emotional instability rather than encouraging self-sufficiency.

This creates a cycle where I am expected to be both submissive and dominant:

1. Submissive Role – I am pressured to adjust my emotions to match theirs, providing them with stability.

2. Dominant Role – If I refuse to adapt, they escalate, either reacting with sadness, horror, or anger, blaming me for not caring about them.

I am not refusing to engage out of coldness; I am simply protecting my emotional well-being from being exploited.

Emotional Manipulation and the Autistic Experience

This is a fundamental part of my autistic experience. It is not narcissistic for me to protect myself from emotional manipulation. The reality is:

• People come to me because they need something—emotional stability.

• When I do engage and offer advice, it often leads to debates or arguments where my suggestions are ignored or questioned.

• This constant emotional labor is exhausting and draining.

Many communication issues associated with autistic people stem from this. Most autistic individuals learn to ignore people as a form of self-protection. I have had to teach myself emotional self-sufficiency.

The Issue of Emotional Self-Reliance

I have learned that becoming emotionally self-reliant is necessary to function as a stable individual. Yet, others seem to expect me to provide them with emotional support without learning that lesson themselves. Why am I the only one expected to adapt and become emotionally self-sufficient?

• Emotionally self-reliant people do not drain those around them.

• This does not mean people can never ask for support, but they should not treat others as emotional crutches.

The Double Bind: No Win Situation

When people rely on me for emotional stability:

• If I engage, it turns into a debate or an argument.

• If I refuse, I am labeled as uncaring or lacking empathy.

There is no easy way to “win” this situation. The only way to succeed in dealing with it is by firmly setting boundaries, even if that means disappointing others.

The Difference Between Respect and Entitlement

I could see it as a sign of respect that people come to me for help. But in practice, it feels more like entitlement—expecting me to drop everything and stabilize them, then resenting me if I do not comply.

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Key Themes and Topics

• Emotional Manipulation – The expectation to balance other people’s emotions.

• The Double Bind – The no-win situation where either engagement or refusal leads to negative consequences.

• Autistic Experience – How emotional labor contributes to exhaustion and social withdrawal.

• Emotional Self-Sufficiency – The necessity of managing one’s own emotions rather than relying on others.

• Entitlement vs. Respect – The difference between seeking help and expecting someone to take responsibility for emotional stability.

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Index of Relevant Reading

On Emotional Manipulation and Boundaries

• Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life – Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

• The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life – Dr. Robin Stern

• When I Say No, I Feel Guilty – Manuel J. Smith

On Autism and Emotional Labor

• Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity – Dr. Devon Price

• NeuroTribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity – Steve Silberman

• The Autistic Brain: Helping Different Kinds of Minds Succeed – Temple Grandin

On Emotional Self-Sufficiency and Personal Development

• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck* – Mark Manson

• Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead – Brené Brown

• Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha – Tara Brach