Copy of private text message sent by myself to an old friend after an hour of phone conversation. We have not seen each other for 20 years. We speak on average once every few years. I did use ChatGPT4 to rewrite my original message because of the professionalism necessary in phrasing it as harmlessly as possible.
________
My concern comes from my natural tendency toward analytical thinking and pattern recognition.
I often examine psychological dynamics in common yet complex situations, and I found last night’s conversation particularly revealing.
The interaction suggests that he may be vulnerable to mental health issues, as evidenced by his accusation that you were playing mind games simply because you spoke with an old friend whom he considers a stranger.
At its core, this situation presents two possibilities:
1. You are not playing mind games, and he is struggling with his mental health.
2. You are playing mind games, and he chooses not only to remain in the relationship but also to assert control over you through anger and dominance.
Regardless of which scenario is more accurate, the dynamic between you two reflects an intense power exchange, resembling a Dom/sub relationship.
If the first scenario is true, his behavior suggests insecurity, fragility, and controlling tendencies. He expects you to accommodate his psychological needs, which are rooted in dominance, insecurity, and emotional demands. If you resist, he escalates; if you comply, you allow his instability to govern the relationship. This creates an unstable foundation, which you yourself acknowledged when you said, “this relationship is doomed.”
He attempts to create stability through control—limiting your social interactions and dictating your behavior to reinforce his sense of security. His self-worth appears tied to a dominant role that relies on your submission. However, the fact that you are not fully adhering to his control suggests one of two things:
• You may be intentionally provoking him by engaging others in the dynamic (which could resemble emotional manipulation or energy vampirism, given the instability in the relationship).
• You refuse to let his emotional fragility dictate your actions, asserting your own autonomy.
Either way, you have fundamental rights:
• The right to communicate with others freely.
• The right to leave an abusive relationship.
His controlling behavior meets widely recognized definitions of abuse. If the second scenario is true—that you are playing mind games—then that, too, can be considered a form of psychological manipulation and emotional abuse.
This type of dynamic is not uncommon in BDSM relationships, but the question is whether it is consensual, ethical, and sustainable. In the film Secretary, for example, the protagonist rebels against her dominant partner’s rules, attempting to provoke punishment. Instead, he withdraws entirely, leading to an obsessive spiral. Similarly, I have personally known individuals who deliberately antagonized their partners into violent reactions as a means of exerting control, seeking validation through extreme emotional or physical responses. This is a dangerous cycle that can escalate to serious consequences—including legal action, physical harm, or worse.
From my experience, relationships based on this kind of co-dependent micromanagement rarely last. More critically, they can spiral into dangerous territory. I have seen situations like this result in assault charges, jail sentences, and even fatalities.
I say this not to impose my perspective but because I witnessed a concerning pattern in your relationship. The last few times I advised women in similar situations to leave and report their partners:
• One woman was later run over by her partner’s truck. She survived but can no longer walk. He is now in prison.
• Another woman’s ex later murdered a different woman and is now incarcerated.
• Two separate women were warned by police that if they moved in with their partners, their children would be taken into foster care due to the men’s histories of abuse.
While not all men engage in this kind of behavior, those who do often end up as documented risks to their communities.
This is my best advice to you. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t say anything at all.
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