Striving from the Abyss

 

Striving from the Abyss: Power, Desire, and the Exploitation of the Masculine in Relational Dynamics

Abstract

This paper explores the psychological and sociological dynamics of contemporary gendered relationships through the conceptual frameworks of Robert Bly’s Iron John, Marion Woodman’s analysis of the Devouring Feminine, Friedrich Nietzsche’s critique of slave morality, and Jacques Lacan’s psychoanalytic theory of desire. At the intersection of these thinkers lies a thesis: that certain relational dynamics between men and women in modern contexts are structured around a destabilizing pattern in which masculine stability is exploited for the emotional, psychological, and moral ascendancy of the feminine. This paper does not offer a prescriptive binary but a symbolic lens through which to understand deeper mythic and unconscious processes underpinning dysfunction and longing.

Introduction: The Step and the Ground

In modern relational paradigms, a recurring metaphor emerges—the step and the ground. The term “stepping up,” most commonly used by women, functions as a control phrase—a rhetorical device used to apply pressure, typically on men, to meet escalating expectations. The woman frames herself as evolving, ascending toward a higher version of self, while the man is implicitly cast as the stabilizing platform beneath her—a resource to be tested, proven, and leaned upon. On the surface, this dynamic appears as mutual growth; but beneath it lies a structure of extraction, where one partner ascends by pressing the other down, and where his continual sacrifices are reframed as merely the necessary cost of her development.

This structure, psychological in its mechanisms and sociological in its consequences, echoes four critical thinkers across time: Robert Bly, Marion Woodman, Friedrich Nietzsche, and Jacques Lacan. Each, in their own way, addresses the internal mechanics of power, desire, lack, and moral leverage—and how these structures manifest in relational life.

I. Robert Bly and the Wounded Masculine

Robert Bly, in Iron John: A Book About Men (1990), posits that the modern man suffers from a profound disconnection from his inner wildness. Raised often by overbearing or emotionally engulfing maternal figures and without access to rites of initiation, men become emotionally passive, over-domesticated, and easily exploited.

“Where a man’s wound is, that is where his genius will be.” (Bly, Iron John)

Bly outlines the ancient myth of Iron John—a wild man kept in a cage until a young prince releases him. The wild man then initiates the boy into adulthood, into pain, risk, and authenticity. In psychological terms, Iron John represents untamed masculine energy: creative, dangerous, and vital. The boy, symbolic of the modern man, is caged by comfort, shame, and the expectations of passive virtue.

This passivity becomes dangerous when inserted into relational contexts where the woman is seeking self-actualization through struggle, and the man is unable to resist being used as the terrain of that struggle. Without inner stability and power, the man becomes the “ground beneath her feet”—a resource, not a partner.

II. Marion Woodman and the Devouring Feminine

Where Bly focuses on the masculine wound, Marion Woodman addresses the pathologies of the feminine. In Addiction to Perfection (1982) and The Ravaged Bridegroom (1990), Woodman describes what she calls the Devouring Mother or Devouring Feminine—a feminine archetype that, having been denied her own wholeness, seeks to complete herself by absorbing the energy of others.

“The Devouring Mother lives in all of us. She feeds on other people’s lives because she has not lived her own.” (Woodman, The Ravaged Bridegroom)

This archetype does not nurture in the true sense; she smothers, possesses, and controls. Her love is conditional, and her need for validation is endless. In intimate relationships, this often plays out as a pattern where the woman, consciously or not, tests the man—emotionally destabilizing him to assess whether he can hold her psychological weight. When he “passes” these tests, she steps up—often leaving behind the man who helped her rise.

Here, the feminine energy is not acting in alignment with the archetype of the Great Mother (who nourishes and blesses), but with the Terrible Mother, who consumes. The man who lacks his Wild Man becomes especially vulnerable to this dynamic, because he has no boundaries, no internal sovereignty. He gives, and gives, and gives—until he is emptied.

III. Nietzsche and the Morality of Ressentiment

Friedrich Nietzsche’s On the Genealogy of Morality (1887) provides the philosophical scaffold for understanding how weakness gains control by moral inversion. Nietzsche distinguishes between master morality (which values power, vitality, excellence) and slave morality (which values meekness, suffering, and obedience).

“The slave revolt in morality begins when ressentiment becomes creative and gives birth to values.” (Nietzsche, On the Genealogy of Morality)

In slave morality, the oppressed—unable to act upon their frustration—invert values, branding strength as “evil” and weakness as “good.” From this inversion arises guilt as a weapon. The oppressed no longer seek freedom by cultivating power, but by making the strong feel ashamed of their strength.

In the relational dynamic we explore here, the same logic applies: the emotional or moral instability of one partner becomes the standard, and the other is continually judged by it. The striving, guilt-ridden man must always “do more,” “step up,” or “be better,” even as each achievement is dismissed or re-framed as insufficient. Her lack becomes his burden—and she ascends by his surrender.

Nietzsche warns that when guilt becomes a tool of control, rather than a path to self-awareness, authentic morality collapses. In its place rises manipulation, stagnation, and ressentiment disguised as virtue.

IV. Lacan and the Perpetual Gap of Desire

Jacques Lacan, in his seminars and writings (notably The Four Fundamental Concepts of Psychoanalysis, 1973), presents a profound theory of desire and lack. Central to his work is the concept of objet petit a—the unattainable object of desire that fuels our endless yearning.

“Man’s desire is the desire of the Other.” (Lacan, Écrits)

According to Lacan, what we desire is not a real object, but the fantasy of wholeness it represents. Desire is structured around lack—the absence of the primal mother, the rupture of unity, the trauma of separation. We seek in lovers, work, or even spirituality something that can “complete” us—but the moment we get it, the illusion collapses, and desire moves elsewhere.

This helps explain the repeated “stepping up” pattern: the woman projects her fantasy of completion onto the man—but once he meets her expectations, the object loses its charge, and she becomes dissatisfied. The goalposts move, because the unconscious structure of desire is always shifting.

For the man, this is experienced as confusion and emotional whiplash. He believed he was building something real—but in Lacanian terms, he was only ever a stand-in for the objet petit a, a phantom placeholder for something she can’t articulate or receive.

Conclusion: From Transaction to Transformation

Together, these four thinkers illuminate a tragic pattern in modern relationships: a gendered loop of striving and depletion, driven by unconscious myths and unmet needs. The man, wounded and passive (Bly), becomes a feeding ground for the woman who has not lived her own individuation (Woodman). She tests, extracts, and moralizes her need as virtue (Nietzsche), while never truly receiving or resting—because her desire is structured around a lack that cannot be filled (Lacan).

The solution is not to demonize the feminine or romanticize the masculine, but to recognize the archetypal wounds and manipulations at play. Men must reclaim their Wild Man—not to dominate, but to stand sovereign. Women must heal their Devouring Feminine—not to sacrifice need, but to nurture from wholeness. Both must reject the traps of guilt-based power and fantasy-laden desire.

Only then can the relational field shift from extraction to encounter, from transaction to transformation.

Bibliography of Sources

1. Bly, Robert – Iron John: A Book About Men (1990)

2. Woodman, Marion – Addiction to Perfection: The Still Unravished Bride (1982)

3. Woodman, Marion – The Ravaged Bridegroom: Masculinity in Women (1990)

4. Nietzsche, Friedrich – On the Genealogy of Morality (1887)

5. Lacan, Jacques – Écrits: A Selection (1966)

6. Lacan, Jacques – The Four Fundamental Concepts of Psychoanalysis (1973, ed. Jacques-Alain Miller)

See also: Step-Up Cycle Index